80’S METAL BAND “ROCK
SUGAR” RESCUED AFTER 20 YEARS ON DESERTED ISLAND. BRAINWASHED AND CONFUSED, ROCKERS RETURN TO
HOLLYWOOD WITH A SHOCKING NEW MUSICAL STYLE.
1989 should have been the best year ever for Rock Sugar, the
big haired heavy metal band that had just broken the top 41 on the rock radio
charts with their solid brass debut album “Bang You Like A Drum”. But instead
of headlining concerts, Rock Sugar made the headlines when they were presumed
lost forever after playing an extremely ill advised gig celebrating the bat
mitzvah of 13-year-old Lisa Rosenberg.
The show was performed miles out to sea aboard the private
luxury yacht of Lisa’s father, schnapps millionaire Schlomo Rosenberg. Assuming
that Rock Sugar was some innocent boy band, Schlomo had no idea who they
actually were or what they actually sounded like. He only knew from his
extremely spoiled daughter that they were “really cute” and he figured that
must mean she would love their music. She didn’t, and judging from the stunned
expressions on their faces, neither did her prepubescent little friends.
Shortly after the chorus of Rock Sugar’s second song “Nail
You Like A Hammer”, a drunken and violent brawl broke out involving the band,
the rabbi, a clown, the captain, a guy in an Smurf costume, Schlomo and well
over a hundred infuriated and now thoroughly sexually confused children. In the
midst of the fight, as Jesse, the lead singer, was pummeling the Smurf and no
one was steering the damned ship anymore, it struck an undersea stone wall. As
the boat was sinking, the extremely unhappy and now yacht less Schlomo refused
to let Rock Sugar climb aboard the life rafts to safety.
Having been denied rescue, the band credit their miraculous
ability to make it to the shore alive only because of their firmly held belief
that “sharks don’t eat metal”. Left to their own extremely questionable
survival skills, Rock Sugar managed to salvage several items from the sunken
yacht. In addition to their instruments, they retrieved a hot pink battery
powered boom box covered with stickers of Hello Kitty, a crate of batteries,
158 cases of schnapps and numerous articles of teenage girls clothing, most of
which the band admit to trying on and several pieces of which apparently fit
and looked “pretty frickin’ awesome”. But things got worse when the horrified
rockers discovered that the only music available for them to listen to was
little Lisa Rosenberg’s very pop, very 13 year-old girl’s, very ‘80’s CD
collection.
And so, the hardcore degenerate heavy metal members of Rock
Sugar spent the last two decades stuck on an island with nothing to do but
drink schnapps, catch hard to digest wildlife, befriend monkeys and dream of
their long lost groupies while listening only to, and being slowly and
systematically brainwashed by, every favorite pop song of a 1980’s preteen
girl. Bored, full of schnapps and wasting away on a tropical oasis, they built
a stage out of driftwood, bamboo shoots and tree sap and got to work. Against
the odds, Rock Sugar was alive… and they were practicing.
Fast forward twenty years when a tuna boat with a screwed up
compass discovered a group of long haired castaways on a deserted island far
out in the middle of the Pacific. Finally rescued and now violently thrown back
into the real life of present day Los Angeles, and with absolutely no clue
whatsoever of anything that’s happened, developed or changed in the world since
1989, Rock Sugar is back and ready to electrify audiences with their brand new,
razor sharp, psychotically original sound.
The first twenty years of their lives spent listening to
heavy metal followed by a twenty year forced diet of little girl pop, their own
influences have permanently collided with the unknowingly very influential
13-year-old Lisa Rosenberg. And now Rock Sugar is performing “re-imaginings” of
the world’s favorite songs in ways that the world has never even dreamed of.
Twenty years of what started with a shipwreck and turned into history’s longest
reluctant rehearsal has paid off and the band, as well as the wild originality
of what they have created, are beyond belief or explanation.
But while you may be able to at last take the metal band off
the deserted island, apparently you can’t take 20 years of exposure to 80’s pop
out of the metal band. Prepare to have
the line between pop and metal blown to smithereens and pour yourself a shot of
Rock Sugar.
Because Pop Rocks.